In the article in the Saturday Guardian, I Can’t Hug My Mother, “Caroline Archer sees other women look happy with their mothers. But her own mum has never made her feel that way. Is it too late?” The Guardian asks.
She says that her and her mother don’t like each other and they never had the closeness that she witnessed in her friends’ relationships with their mothers. She goes on to say that the one time she asked her mother about her teenage years, her mother told her to “mind her own business”. For me, this is the clue I am looking for, as to what may have been the reason for the difficult relationship. Of course I know nothing about the writer or her mother but I’m thinking that anyone who says that to her daughter must be feeling some sort of pain, guilt or shame in order to react in this defensive manner. There may be something that the mother has not let go of that is affecting her relationship. So the mother is parenting in the best way she knows how, given what happened in her own youth, which is still causing this reaction in her now.
As parents we are not given a how-to manual. Given that parenting is, in my opinion, the most important job of all – raising the next generation – it seems bizarre that we come without prerequisites for this role! In almost any other job, one is required to study, train or acquire skills. According to Sobonfu Some from the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso, in her community every couple is expected heal their fears about becoming parents, to reconnect with what it means to be a child by remembering their own childhood and to go through a process of realizing the vulnerability of children and consider what they can do to protect their future child and other children in their community. Given that our parents have probably not done this, what can we do to improve our relationship with our parents?
Firstly, recognise that parents can only to the best they can with the tools they have accumulated in their lifetime. If they are wounded from the way they were parented and have not done any inner work to resolve this, the chances are they will act out similar patterns or the complete opposite. For example if a mother, lets call her Mary, didn’t feel she could talk to her mother, since this is her paradigm of being parented, Mary may have a tenancy to do the same. If Mary has thought about it, she may make a conscious decision to do the opposite and talk very openly and honestly to her children in order to avoid them feeling the pain she felt. The downside could be that the children feel burdened or overwhelmed with too much information if the subject matter is not age appropriate.
Secondly, do some inner work yourself to strengthen the core of your being. Since I am an EFT practitioner, this is the way I would recommend.
Go here to find out about a workshop to help you improve your relationship with your mother. It doesn’t matter if your mother is alive or passed away or if you know your mother or not. My intention is that you will leave the workshop more peaceful and accepting about your relationship with your mother however it is.
If you are not sure which approach is best for you and want to have a chat, do email info @ tamaradonn<dot>com to arrange a suitable date.
If you are a mum who wants to have feel happier in herself, with her children check out my book Frazzled to Fabulous in 5 Minutes a Day Follow my quick and easy step-by-step programme here https://www.frazzledtofabulous.com/