How a mother releases her anger towards her son

by | Jul 12, 2014 | Case Studies, EFT, Family Constellations, Motherhood | 6 comments

With huge gratitude to my client for permitting me to share a video of her EFT session in which she releases her anger towards her son, I am posting a 30 minute video summary of a 1 1/2 hour session we had together over skype.

If you just want to see a shorter summary of the session (6 minutes) see here:

The issue – Disproportionate anger towards her son

The issue my client wanted to address was to release disproportionate anger towards her 3 year old son. She also has a daughter with which this is not an issue.  Reading through the questionnaire she completed for me, I felt that the best way to go would by using a technique called Family Energetics which was introduced to me by another EFT practitioner, Sejual Shah, and created by Deborah Donndelinger. Family Energetics combines the powerful techniques of EFT with Family Constellations in a way that is easy to use on skype by inviting the client to step into a space of her choosing and then inviting people or aspects to step into the space with her and then use EFT to release feelings arising.

Family Energetics setup

I invited the client (1:00) to step into the space of her choosing, I then invite her to place herself (1:35) and her anger in that space (1:54). After getting some details about the anger, I ask her how she feels about the anger (2:51) to which she replies sad. When asked to rate the sadness on a scale from 0 (no sadness at all) to 10 (most sadness) she replied that it is way over 10 (3:07). After a round of EFT, she rated the sadness at 10 (4:01).

Tapping on various aspects of the constellation

After another round of EFT, the sadness is still a 10 (4:47).  My sense was that there was a shift so I asked her if the 10 was the same or different to the previous one (5:01) and she acknowledged that it was different – “a less helpless 10”. For those of you familiar with EFT, this demonstrates a shift in aspects.

Further investigation shows that the sadness is connected to all the men in her family that have served in the army for generations.  After a discussion about this, I invited her to bring in all the family members who had served in the army into the constellation space (7:14) which brought up emotion so I invited her to tap on those feelings without words to allow the feelings to flow through her and release (7:40).  As she tapped the image of these army men changed and many seemed more relaxed. She felt that for her brother, who is currently in the army, it isn’t safe to feel sad or angry.

On further testing, the sadness was still a 10 but this time a “loose” 10 (9:27) with some anger that was rising about the wasted lives or these men.

Another round that the sadness had gone (10:37)  and my client commented that this felt “extraordinary”.

Checking in with the constellation image, it now showed that all the men are relaxed except for her brother who was in a cage which again brought up the sadness (11:09).  After a round of EFT my client felt that her brother was saying that this it is not her business and not hers so she should not take that on (11:44).  At this point I suggested say some Family Constellation style healing sentences while tapping on her fingers (12:23):

“Dear brother – I’ve been carrying this sadness for you. Its yours, not mine, and with love and respect I hand this back to you.”

This brought a big sense of relief so then we did the same with all the other members of her family who were soldiers which brought to her mind loving memories of her grandfather being a grandfather, not a soldier (14:00).

I then invited my client to reflect back to the scene on the beach to see how that had changed (14:12).  She reflected back that her family were crowding in on her (16:08) but the overwhelming feeling is her mother casting a shadow on her which feels oppressive so we tapped on that (16:43) which brought feelings of breathlessness and her heart was racing which both felt good and the fear of what if I let go of all this stuff.

Another round of tapping (17:24) gave rise to feelings of wanting to leave the beach and her family as they were not going to move and give her space. So at this point I suggested her saying some more healing sentences to her family whilst tapping (18:08):

“I need to step into the sunshine now and I will take all the goodness you gave me. This is where I came from and I honour that. And I need to turn now to face my future.”

This brought about feelings of sadness  (18:52) towards her father. A round of tapping changed the sadness into disconnection and a numb forcefield (19:07). A round of tapping (19:33) made no change to the numbness.

At this point (20:15) we had a dialogue about her feelings and it was interesting to observe that the effects of EFT continued to shift her feelings as we were talking from:

  • numbness
  • to fear of letting the numbness go
  • to feeling that her father is a complete stranger
  • to feeling that she has done everything she possibly could to get his approval
  • to the realisation that he has always love and approved of her.

This realisation brought about feelings of relief and the fact that she has wasted a lot of time trying to get something she had all along.

Focussing on back to the beach, my client noticed she feeling very comfortable sitting chatting to her father (22:33).

She now became aware that she was feeling annoyance (23:24) towards her brother so I asked her to say Transform (part of Peter Donn‘s healing system) and place her hands in the centre of her chest which then became sadness and another Transform reduced it.

I then checked to see how she was feeling about her mother and the sadness was now focussed on her. My client felt she had been treated like one of her mother’s dolls that she played with when she was young so we tapped on that (24:51) which brought her relief that surprised her.

She then had an overwhelming sense of wanting to bring her children into the picture (25:25) and I offered her some healing sentences whilst tapping. She then added her own:

“I’ve not done it how I wanted to because I haven’t been able to but I can now. I love you enormously and I am sorry that it wasn’t the way I wanted it”.

She then reported that she felt “amazing, grown up and responsible”.

At this point we closed the constellation by thanking her family members and saying that she could come back to this beach whenever she wanted.

Positive EFT

We then did some Positive EFT as created by Silvia Hartmann on a feeling she wanted to feel more of towards her son. She chose basic love (28:47).

Checking in with the original issue

In conclusion I asked her how she felt about her initial issue of anger towards her son (30:26).

She replied that her anger had nothing to do with her son and that she had been quite frightened of it and she doesn’t feel that any more. She feels that she would be genuinely surprised if she lost her temper with her son in that way again.

Follow up comments from my client

A few days after the session she emailed me to let me know how she was getting on:

“Thank you so much for the session.  It was truly amazing.  I can’t tell you how good I feel now.  

 I thought I knew what was coming because I’ve had a good EFT session with another practitioner releasing miscarriage trauma but I was not expecting quite such an amazing session.  

 I found you to be very intuitive and gentle and using EFT combined with the Family Constellation method was a really effective and frankly extraordinary mix.  

 I suppose I thought it might be all fluffy nonsense but the impact is unquestionable – it really has made a significant and immediate difference to how I am feeling and my general energy levels.  It is hard to see how saying some words and tapping on different points can do anything at all but I know it did because I felt the changes and I still feel the benefits.

 All the good things from the session are still gently reverberating inside me.  My love for my son has definitely increased or rather my connection to it.  I feel much more compassionate and patient with him. 

 I’ve been away this weekend with my parents and one of my brothers and his family and it has been a lovely time.  I have felt free to enjoy them all and let anything frustrating, annoying or unhelpful to me just wash over me.  I didn’t realise all this army stuff was going on inside me but now that its out I can see how it has been effecting me.  With all the centenary memories of the first world war there are a lot of reminders all around of war, particularly in my parents home as my father is very involved in writing histories of the war.  I found looking at some of the photos and such like this weekend very moving in a helpful way.  I feel connected with the sadness of warfare but not dominated by it. 

I had a moment with my son where I think I would have been angry with him a week ago but this time I found myself defending him, protecting him as he let a cascade of typical 3 year old emotion wash over him rather than being impatient or angry with him.  It felt really good and his little face afterwards looking at me with such love was really special.  A little later he tracked me down across the house saying ” I have something important to say to you Mummy.  I love you from top to bottom!”  It was so sweet.  I really felt he’d observed a change in me and was responding to it.  If I have no other benefits from EFT and your priceless session, this little moment was worth everything.  And to be honest, I am sure I will get more and more from EFT.”  HH

If you would like to be kept up to date with upcoming family constellations workshops, sign up to my newsletter here (and receive a free EFT manual as well).

If you would like to work on your challenges using family constellations concepts, book a session here.